The shy yet confident dilemma...

From very early on we were able to recognize that Olivia was a more reserved, shy child when out and about in public. She was never a smiley, happy-go-lucky baby and, myself being one of those reserved types, I get it and it has rarely bothered me that she's on the shy side. Well, that's not completely true, it does bother me sometimes, but not for the reason one would expect. Because I have been shy my whole life, I want so much more for her and I want her to enjoy life more and try new things that I, myself, have been too reluctant to try. I guess I know how much she is missing out on by hiding within her shy facade. And yes, it's a facade because that girl is anything but shy when she's in comfortable territory with people she's comfortable around.

At her parent conference at preschool a month ago, the teachers mentioned that she's really begun to open up to the other children at school and she talks a bit more and is just less hesitant and reserved, although she's not exactly bounding through the doors and chatting up the other kids yet either. But there has been improvement which means she's found a comfort zone at school, which I have obviously noticed as well. I mentioned in the conference that I worry about her self-confidence, as I know what it's like being shy and lacking confidence, and Ms. Donna says "Oh, I don't think she lacks confidence at all. She knows what she likes and doesn't like and she's not afraid to speak her mind if she needs to." Oh. Yes, that is confidence. No, she doesn't ooze confidence, nor does she streak around like some kids without thinking twice about her actions. She is a very deliberate kid and she does know what she wants. And if she really cares about it, she'll let you know. What an excellent point and something I really needed pointed out to me. I need to stop putting my own confidence issues on my kid and let her be who she is.

I remember awhile back Amy was worried that Olivia wasn't speaking up for herself and that Hayley might have been too aggressive while playing with Olivia and I assured her that Olivia would stand up for herself. And sure enough, we soon witnessed Olivia telling Hayley not to do something and Olivia removed herself from the situation. Sure, Olivia sometimes lets other kids take toys from her hands and she can be passive at times, but when it really matters to Liv and when she really cares about something, she lets everyone know. And I love that about her.


Yes, she's shy, but nothing I can do will change that. I guess the thing I need to figure out is whether to keep encouraging her to get past her shyness ("say hi to ___", "give ___ a hug", "go over there and play with your friends!") or do I let her hide behind me, cling to my leg or sit beside me while all the other kids joyously parade across the playground, and trust that I'm meeting her needs? And if I do push her, will I eventually erode that confidence she does have? But if I don't push her a bit, will she lose that confidence as well?

The Monkey in the Crib

If you've ever enjoyed the energetic motion of monkeys in a cage at a zoo, you may have seen them climb back and forth along the front of the cage, either a bit excited or a bit agitated by your presence outside the cage. I've seen tiny tamarind monkeys do this and they go back and forth, left to right across the bars of the cage. What brought monkeys and their frenetic climbing to mind? Malia in her crib. Last night as I put her back in her crib after attempting everything else to get her back to sleep, she cruises back and forth along the rail of her crib never taking her eyes off me, just as the monkeys do. She watches me as she goes back and forth and back and forth...she has a slight smile on her face, but you can see she's waiting for me to make a move to leave and she's got the howl prepared for it. So we just eye each other and I smile as I realize that not only does she remind me of those silly monkeys, but that's she also got my number...I don't want her to howl so I won't be leaving the room.

While Daddy's away the mice will play...

This is what we do when Daddy leaves town. We run around all day in our "nightgowns" and never leave the house. We pull the bonbons out of the freezer and gorge ourselves while watching soap operas in our lingerie.

O.K., not really. In a weak moment, I allowed Livy into my dresser drawers and what does she discover? The frilliest, most feminine garments she can find of course...never mind that it's lingerie, she certainly doesn't know that. She thinks they're my "beautiful nightgowns" and oh how she covets nightgowns. And yes, my thoughtful eldest daughter dressed her little sister in a lacy little negligee as well. Who knew purple was Malia's color?

When They're Ready...

I have had yet another lesson in the "they'll do it when they're ready" theory. Olivia has been 3 for over a month and it was starting to bother me that she was showing no interest in potty training. Especially considering her initial interest in the potty started around 20 mos., so I was shocked that she was one of the last girls of our acquaintance to move out of diapers. And of course, even though I knew better, it had started to make me wonder if I had done something as a parent or instead, if I didn't do something that I was supposed to. The doubts and questions were all over my head..."should I have pushed more?", "did I push too much too early?", "did I say something that made her feel pressured?", "do I need to force the issue more?"...ahh gotta love the mother guilt...damned if you do, damned if you don't.

So last week I came out of Malia's room, after getting her down for a nap, to find Livy closing the lid to the toilet and pulling up her underwear. Huh? Seems that Livy found the underwear in a laundry basket (I think Dad had let her wear it over a diaper recently) and decided she really wanted to wear it. And she knew that to wear it meant you went peeps on the potty. In fact, her first words to me as I found her in the bathroom that day were, "I go peeps on the potty WITHOUT Mommy and Daddy." Oh little Miss Independent! It has been exactly one week since that day in the bathroom, and although the first two days had a number of accidents, we have been accident-free since then. She has even pooped on the potty, which I thought was going to require an act of Congress, but instead just required an act of Livy I guess.

All this comes down to the most basic rule of child-rearing, but one that is so easy to ignore/forget/overlook/underestimate, which is that a child will do something when they are good and ready. Whether it's to potty train, eat solid foods, or fall asleep on their own...we adults want it on our timeline yet it's just not realistic to expect their little bodies and minds to conform to our timelines or needs. Not to mention that it takes away what is natural and empowering for them. So having learned this lesson yet again, I am empowered by my child and reminded that I need to listen to her needs and respect her timeline. And I know that I will re-learn this lesson over and over throughout my years of raising my girls. Having watched my little girl master her bodily functions in one week's time, I am reminded that when I leave it to their own developmental timeline, the process will be faster, easier and much more comfortable for all of us. I'm glad I let Olivia set her own timeline for potty training...I hope I can remember this lesson over the coming months and years!

Where Does the Day Go?

Now that we are in the throes of potty training, I hold an even greater awareness of the minutes and hours that fly by in my day. I've always dreaded the hours after 4:00 p.m. , as they seem to fly by in less than 20 minutes and every time I look up at the clock, I'm always amazed that it's already 5:30 and past time to start dinner. As a stay-at-home mom I have come to realize that the day has the ability to either fly by or creep snail-like by, however that dinner time hour flies by no matter what.


I have watched as all of my friends have potty trained their toddlers and although I did see them having to run for bathrooms, change soiled clothing and constantly harass their toddler about their need to use the potty, I don't recall anyone mentioning just how much time they spend daily talking about, thinking about and actually going to the potty. Not only do I have a timer running in my house daily to remind both my busy toddler and my pea-brained self that we must visit the toilet often, but the time expended within the bathroom is mind-boggling. I'm not sure whether it takes more time for Livy to actually pee, or to wash her hands...we can sit and play at both the potty and the sink.

Even deciding which potty to use can take awhile. And of course, one must leave time for the toddler mind, which likes to change as soon as it's made a decision. "I want to use the big potty." "NO BIG POTTY, I WANT TO USE THE LITTLE POTTY!!", said with total and complete outrage...in the vain of "how dare you mommy?" Ah yes, silly me for going with your first decision when really I should come to expect that you're going to say you thing, then want the other. I'm obviously still a novice here...

Edited to add: After only a week or so of potty training, Livy was fully using the toilet and she had gained much greater control over how often she needed to use the potty, which enabled me to think about a lot more than her bodily functions. Thank goodness!